What an interesting weekend

It started off with work ehh, then tennis and the bar (cougar central that night). It seriously became the weekend I needed, it wasn't what I should have done but I did. It became the weekend of talking to old friends and some that wouldn't be considered friends. Saturday included going to Kuhnehn's brewery to hang out with the normal gang, then afterwards it was a call to an old friend, a friend from the recently mentioned asshole phase. These friends were douchebags, but not the pop collared douchebags the HIMYM Barney douchebag the ones that did everything they could and would never call you again. It turned into an almost hour conversation with him, he told me that I'm not that guy anymore, and that it's a good thing I changed. At least he thought I changed, he went on to tell me that although we used to hang out a lot, and we did certain things similarly, he told me I was never really like them, I actually had feelings. Thank you, at least I feel a little better about that. He went on to tell me that I am in all honesty a good person that like other things I do, I have no idea how to take things slowly or how to do anything small. Mike also noted this during Tennis it's the true fight or flight mantra of my life, its go big or go home type.

This led me into calling a person I wouldn't call a friend anymore, but it was something I had to do. This was awkward to say the least because I had to go find my old phone to get the number, and lo and behold it's still the same number. Oddly enough she still had my number programmed into her phone. I ended up apologizing for how I treated her and how I strung her along for a few years during my asshole phase. I literally had a girl that was basically head over heels for me but I was too dumb to realize what it really was, she was always there if I needed to go out or talk, I took this for granted, I always did. She was the last resort girl, if I had nothing else to do, or no one to hang out with, I was the guy who was always busy or doing something when she would call to hang out. I did not know how to start the conversation, and it was obvious she didn't know what to say either. But after the Hello how are you, I just ended up saying I'm truly sorry for what I did, I finally got to tell her what I've wanted to say for a few years now. I've felt bad about it but have been too much of a coward to even say anything to her because I felt so bad, I've decided you can't live your life regretting everything and the things you do regret you have to make amends with. It actually turned into a good conversation, the weirdest question was when she asked why the sudden change, and in all honesty I told her I've finally been hurt emotionally and am reflecting on how I've acted, she said I'm finally growing up. The conversation went on for a while and ended ok, and I'm actually happy that she found someone and is going to get married in a few months.

And the last old friend was someone who contacted me on Sunday, and his advise to me was "cowboy the f*ck up" and get over it. Yes he did use a Bruce Willis movie quote, but it kinda helped. He went on to say that he knows that I'm a good guy and that whoever I chose must have been a good person, but I have to get over it. He went on to say it's not like you were in love or anything...silence....and the Oh shit moment was priceless. He still says that his advice holds, he went on to tell me to stop torturing myself about it and dammit this is what I've been hearing for quite some time. But these things all hit me this morning I'm not quite sure why or how it happened but it felt as if the weight of the world fell off my shoulders, and that a cloud was finally lifted that has been hanging over me. I still can't explain if it was a combination of everything, but the last person told me something else that was true, it's not what happened or the girl that's doing this to me but it's myself kicking my own ass. I need to stop that, I need to try to get better one way or another. But now I am beginning to think it will.