So I'm on a path of self destruction and don't care enough to change it.
I've already had this conversation before, but what the hell I'm venting. I'm fighting the idea of whether or not I'm actually an asshole, bear with me for a moment as I explain my logic. There have been now two times in my life that I've been hurt by the opposite sex, the first time was not a great emotional attachment but she said something that completely f*cked me up. After that I went on a sort of douchebag/asshole trend that lasted some time. I ended up taking a break and returning to "normal." This is where I met most of my friends, and hear from everyone that Konrad is a nice guy, we all like him. I tend not to ever hang out with the people I met during douchebag days.
Well recently I've been back on the whole asshole road again, only this time I'm realizing it. The only thing that I don't know is am I an asshole or is it my defense mechanism to the world. I am doing things without thinking anymore, and stuff I would normally not do. The bar has become my sanctuary, and yesterday a friend told me we're only 25 we should have a substance abuse problem...NO WE SHOULDN'T, and why the hell would you tell me this? Now I'm not sure if I'm an asshole with periods of being nice, or a nice guy with a tendency to become an asshole.
Case in point last Wednesday, getting out of class a girl I went to undergrad with came up and talked to me (backstory I have turned her down at least a dozen times before), started talking to me and asked me if I want to go out. A reasonable response would have been, no I'm sorry I'm busy or something of the sort; My response during this whole asshole phase: Sorry 13 is not your lucky number, and I'm sorry I just don't find you attractive. Again I didn't realize what I said/did until after and it was too late. I've lost the filter in my head to stop me from saying/doing these types of things. The only saving grace I can think of is that I feel bad about these things later, not much of a saving grace though. So right now I'm trying to figure out who I really am, and maybe I should reinvent myself, because I don't know what the hell is wrong with me anymore.
In other news I'm back to eating once a day if at all, and still trying to work out at about 1 in the morning. Oh well.
3 comments:
I don't think you're an asshole. Shit happens to you, you want to shit on others. Totally normal human response. I wouldn't be too worried about it.
Actually I don't want to shit on others, it was a defense mechanism: get the hell out before you can be hurt. It was a way of self preservation, hurt others not yourself, but that is horrible.
I have been doing some self thinking this past weekend, which I wrote about, and I figured that part out early. It's not that I want to be an asshole it's the fact that I'm scared of being hurt again.
You are a good gu. People make mistakes. Its human. You shouldn't beat yourself up for things. Shit happens. Try adn Think positive.
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