So I'm on a path of self destruction and don't care enough to change it.
I've already had this conversation before, but what the hell I'm venting. I'm fighting the idea of whether or not I'm actually an asshole, bear with me for a moment as I explain my logic. There have been now two times in my life that I've been hurt by the opposite sex, the first time was not a great emotional attachment but she said something that completely f*cked me up. After that I went on a sort of douchebag/asshole trend that lasted some time. I ended up taking a break and returning to "normal." This is where I met most of my friends, and hear from everyone that Konrad is a nice guy, we all like him. I tend not to ever hang out with the people I met during douchebag days.
Well recently I've been back on the whole asshole road again, only this time I'm realizing it. The only thing that I don't know is am I an asshole or is it my defense mechanism to the world. I am doing things without thinking anymore, and stuff I would normally not do. The bar has become my sanctuary, and yesterday a friend told me we're only 25 we should have a substance abuse problem...NO WE SHOULDN'T, and why the hell would you tell me this? Now I'm not sure if I'm an asshole with periods of being nice, or a nice guy with a tendency to become an asshole.
Case in point last Wednesday, getting out of class a girl I went to undergrad with came up and talked to me (backstory I have turned her down at least a dozen times before), started talking to me and asked me if I want to go out. A reasonable response would have been, no I'm sorry I'm busy or something of the sort; My response during this whole asshole phase: Sorry 13 is not your lucky number, and I'm sorry I just don't find you attractive. Again I didn't realize what I said/did until after and it was too late. I've lost the filter in my head to stop me from saying/doing these types of things. The only saving grace I can think of is that I feel bad about these things later, not much of a saving grace though. So right now I'm trying to figure out who I really am, and maybe I should reinvent myself, because I don't know what the hell is wrong with me anymore.
In other news I'm back to eating once a day if at all, and still trying to work out at about 1 in the morning. Oh well.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Yay for Hamtramck Bars
Good Gravy! I just returned from my daily swim on the beautiful Fijian beach and realized I have not updated this since Hammertime was in the charts... You would not believe the amount of people that are totally stalking me. Seriously!.
I am absolutely consumed with setting fire to people wearing Crocs, learning to speak Japanese, just generally being a biatch to anyone unfortunate to cross my path, my day seems to be packed from the second I am woken by murderous Teletubbies to I feel like going to bed. I am quite the socialite. I need a nap.
I declare solemnly won't blog until the next time booze prices go up and I have to get sober for a while. You have my word! Until my paycheck dawneth..
I am absolutely consumed with setting fire to people wearing Crocs, learning to speak Japanese, just generally being a biatch to anyone unfortunate to cross my path, my day seems to be packed from the second I am woken by murderous Teletubbies to I feel like going to bed. I am quite the socialite. I need a nap.
I declare solemnly won't blog until the next time booze prices go up and I have to get sober for a while. You have my word! Until my paycheck dawneth..
Monday, July 20, 2009
Recap of the Weekend
So, it's been a fun/tiring weekend, here's a little recap of what the "Guy's" weekend was like.
Thursday:
Started off at around 7:20PM went to go pick up Sergiy, and then off to pick up Mike, I couldn't go the quickest way because someone decided to blow up an Oil Tanker the night before so 75 was still closed. On the way from picking up Mike, getting on the highway, I almost get us killed getting on the on-ramp (great way to start a trip). The joys of driving for hours on 75 are awesome, especially when they GPS keeps telling you to turn around and drive through Chicago. First unexpected stop at a rest area due to Mac and Cheese, and boy oh boy you know it's gonna be a great stop when you open the door and everything smells like cow manure. Back on the highway, need to find food about 10:30ish we stop in at Gaylord, why does everything close so early? Ended up eating at Big Boy, then back on the road for a long time.
Friday
Fast forward to maybe 3:30am or 4, I don't remember Mike and Sergiy asleep in the car, me running on adrenaline and red bull, misjudged how quickly one can wear off, so I maybe nodded off for a second somewhere west of Marquette, then the caffeine kicked in again, and I was fine. Roll into the Porcupine Mountains at about 6am, oh did I forget to mention it was foggy and raining all the way from Gaylord to the State park, made for some fun times on the road. So 6am still foggy, can see maybe 20 feet in front of you, I get 20 minutes of sleep in the car, I'm ecstatic about this. We decide to see the Lake of the Clouds, and boy did it earn its name that day, you can't see a damn thing other than the Guard wall, so back to the car, and head into town for breakfast, which is about 20 miles away, a great sign that my reaction time is lacking was when Mike kept yelling DEER and about 15 seconds later I reacted. There's a bar called Stubbs here, I will need to visit later. After breakfast we go to the "grocery" store, they have lawnmowers in front of the refrigerators here, I think this is hilarious and took a picture. Why did Sergiy and Mike decide that raman was a good idea? Back to the camp with a detour at some river along the way, now to walk some trails, because the fog is gone.
Beautiful waterfalls, and awesome trails, except that apparently I walk too fast for the two guys, and am told to slow down, absolutely not. We keep going, it is seriously just amazing up there. After the trails we go to set up camp, and yes we did have to read the instructions on how to put the tent up. We attempt Lake of the clouds again, this time we can see the lake and like everything else it is just amazing. Back to camp we go, and boy did we look like College kids with our Raman and Hot Dogs, oh and to top it off we had a hard time starting the fire. We decide to hit up the city one more time, make a few phone calls, and try to catch the Tigers score. We walk in and right out of Stubbs, holy crap is it the locals only bar. We then drive down to a bar called Porkys, and someone please explain to me why at both bars they watch the weather channel? Back to the park to get some sleep.
Saturday
Leaving the park, there are ravens on the road, at least I thought they were ravens, almost all of them get out of the way except for the hawk(?) which decides turning towards my car and windshield was a good idea. I am sorry little bird I had no intention of killing you, and of course bird man is sitting next to me and I feel horrible. Well enough of that back to driving to the Keweenaw. On the way there Houghton/Hancock has an awesome river view we decide to stop and take pictures. I end up rolling my ankle on a sidewalk, great and 2 more days of hiking. On the first hike nothing says Nature Conservancy trail like shit stained underwear on the side, pics to come later, awesome view of Lake Superior. Second hike according to the hiking book is a moderate hike, F*CK YOU STUPID BOOK. The hike involved rock climbing, six inch paths on the side of the bluffs, rock slides, and a lot of holy shit is that seriously where the trail goes? After a bit of climbing/hiking we ascend to the top of the bluffs, and yes like everything else it was just beautiful. Only problem was I rolled my ankle a few more times on this hike, good times there. I should have taken some pics of the trail, but I was more worried about not falling off the bluff, so I kept walking. After the trail we met a couple going to attempt the hike, we told them to go the old easy way, because she would have killed the guy if they did the real trail. We also found out that they met the trail designer, he told them this was the most difficult trail he's ever designed. A warning or a sign explaining this to people might have been helpful.
Down to Calumet to visit on old bar that sounds cool, but is now closed for business...off to Houghton. The Keweenaw Brewing Company has great beer, the Library brew pub has ok beer but great food, and yes I'm drinking again. I was buzzing by the time I left the library and decided to give up my keys at the restaurant. Holy Crap what did I do, I asked for help, NOOOOO!!!!! Ended up in Marquette and spent the night in a suite in a Hotel, good job Mike, only problem was there were only two beds, so I ended up bunking with Sergiy. Note to everyone Sergiy apparently searches for heat sources at night and tried to spoon with me, I almost ended up falling off the bed trying to get away, I thought this was nicer than just punching a sleeping guy. He turned away and I went back to sleep, I was over the covers he was under them.
Sunday
We wake up, and head to the beach take some more pics, and head east in the UP, another waterfall with a snapping turtle that Mike rescued. Off to Lunch at the Lake Superior Brewing Company, again great beer, and the Blueberry Wheat is awesome. More hiking, Sable falls and Log Slide travel, note to DNR when mentioning shipwrecks visible, please add only wooden board on shore left, and you can't really tell it was from a boat. And after this trail we call it a weekend and start the drive home. On the drive Mike tells me that he was secretly pleased that I rolled my ankle because I slowed down on the trails...thanks! We get home just after 1am, and I'm exhausted, I have to be at work by 9am Monday morning.
I make it in time to work, but feel like I might pass out any minute...where did I put those disgusting 5 hour energy shots again??? More pics to come sometime, not sure when.
Thursday:
Started off at around 7:20PM went to go pick up Sergiy, and then off to pick up Mike, I couldn't go the quickest way because someone decided to blow up an Oil Tanker the night before so 75 was still closed. On the way from picking up Mike, getting on the highway, I almost get us killed getting on the on-ramp (great way to start a trip). The joys of driving for hours on 75 are awesome, especially when they GPS keeps telling you to turn around and drive through Chicago. First unexpected stop at a rest area due to Mac and Cheese, and boy oh boy you know it's gonna be a great stop when you open the door and everything smells like cow manure. Back on the highway, need to find food about 10:30ish we stop in at Gaylord, why does everything close so early? Ended up eating at Big Boy, then back on the road for a long time.
Friday
Fast forward to maybe 3:30am or 4, I don't remember Mike and Sergiy asleep in the car, me running on adrenaline and red bull, misjudged how quickly one can wear off, so I maybe nodded off for a second somewhere west of Marquette, then the caffeine kicked in again, and I was fine. Roll into the Porcupine Mountains at about 6am, oh did I forget to mention it was foggy and raining all the way from Gaylord to the State park, made for some fun times on the road. So 6am still foggy, can see maybe 20 feet in front of you, I get 20 minutes of sleep in the car, I'm ecstatic about this. We decide to see the Lake of the Clouds, and boy did it earn its name that day, you can't see a damn thing other than the Guard wall, so back to the car, and head into town for breakfast, which is about 20 miles away, a great sign that my reaction time is lacking was when Mike kept yelling DEER and about 15 seconds later I reacted. There's a bar called Stubbs here, I will need to visit later. After breakfast we go to the "grocery" store, they have lawnmowers in front of the refrigerators here, I think this is hilarious and took a picture. Why did Sergiy and Mike decide that raman was a good idea? Back to the camp with a detour at some river along the way, now to walk some trails, because the fog is gone.
Beautiful waterfalls, and awesome trails, except that apparently I walk too fast for the two guys, and am told to slow down, absolutely not. We keep going, it is seriously just amazing up there. After the trails we go to set up camp, and yes we did have to read the instructions on how to put the tent up. We attempt Lake of the clouds again, this time we can see the lake and like everything else it is just amazing. Back to camp we go, and boy did we look like College kids with our Raman and Hot Dogs, oh and to top it off we had a hard time starting the fire. We decide to hit up the city one more time, make a few phone calls, and try to catch the Tigers score. We walk in and right out of Stubbs, holy crap is it the locals only bar. We then drive down to a bar called Porkys, and someone please explain to me why at both bars they watch the weather channel? Back to the park to get some sleep.
Saturday
Leaving the park, there are ravens on the road, at least I thought they were ravens, almost all of them get out of the way except for the hawk(?) which decides turning towards my car and windshield was a good idea. I am sorry little bird I had no intention of killing you, and of course bird man is sitting next to me and I feel horrible. Well enough of that back to driving to the Keweenaw. On the way there Houghton/Hancock has an awesome river view we decide to stop and take pictures. I end up rolling my ankle on a sidewalk, great and 2 more days of hiking. On the first hike nothing says Nature Conservancy trail like shit stained underwear on the side, pics to come later, awesome view of Lake Superior. Second hike according to the hiking book is a moderate hike, F*CK YOU STUPID BOOK. The hike involved rock climbing, six inch paths on the side of the bluffs, rock slides, and a lot of holy shit is that seriously where the trail goes? After a bit of climbing/hiking we ascend to the top of the bluffs, and yes like everything else it was just beautiful. Only problem was I rolled my ankle a few more times on this hike, good times there. I should have taken some pics of the trail, but I was more worried about not falling off the bluff, so I kept walking. After the trail we met a couple going to attempt the hike, we told them to go the old easy way, because she would have killed the guy if they did the real trail. We also found out that they met the trail designer, he told them this was the most difficult trail he's ever designed. A warning or a sign explaining this to people might have been helpful.
Down to Calumet to visit on old bar that sounds cool, but is now closed for business...off to Houghton. The Keweenaw Brewing Company has great beer, the Library brew pub has ok beer but great food, and yes I'm drinking again. I was buzzing by the time I left the library and decided to give up my keys at the restaurant. Holy Crap what did I do, I asked for help, NOOOOO!!!!! Ended up in Marquette and spent the night in a suite in a Hotel, good job Mike, only problem was there were only two beds, so I ended up bunking with Sergiy. Note to everyone Sergiy apparently searches for heat sources at night and tried to spoon with me, I almost ended up falling off the bed trying to get away, I thought this was nicer than just punching a sleeping guy. He turned away and I went back to sleep, I was over the covers he was under them.
Sunday
We wake up, and head to the beach take some more pics, and head east in the UP, another waterfall with a snapping turtle that Mike rescued. Off to Lunch at the Lake Superior Brewing Company, again great beer, and the Blueberry Wheat is awesome. More hiking, Sable falls and Log Slide travel, note to DNR when mentioning shipwrecks visible, please add only wooden board on shore left, and you can't really tell it was from a boat. And after this trail we call it a weekend and start the drive home. On the drive Mike tells me that he was secretly pleased that I rolled my ankle because I slowed down on the trails...thanks! We get home just after 1am, and I'm exhausted, I have to be at work by 9am Monday morning.
I make it in time to work, but feel like I might pass out any minute...where did I put those disgusting 5 hour energy shots again??? More pics to come sometime, not sure when.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Holy Crap did this just become fun
First off whoever designed older apple computers needs to be shot, they are a pain in the ass to take apart, and even worse putting back together again. But some highlights of the dis-assembly: "Why is there grease here?", "This is disgusting," "Just give me one with a rubber." Ahhh tech support is fun sometimes, now to Macgyver it back together again, because hell if we remember where the 60 odd screws we had to take apart go.
And Re-Assembly had even better moments: Just put it in the hole, Dude I pulled out already, Is it in yet, Ok You go in through one hole I'll go through the other. There were others that I just can't remember now, and after all the crap the stupid thing no longer works, so back to work.
And Re-Assembly had even better moments: Just put it in the hole, Dude I pulled out already, Is it in yet, Ok You go in through one hole I'll go through the other. There were others that I just can't remember now, and after all the crap the stupid thing no longer works, so back to work.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Feeling a Little Better
So I wrote about a career change, and I put out my resume, and sort of applied to a couple of places just to see how it goes. So far two call backs, and an e-mail response, I'm still appreciated, and can actually change careers if I need to. I put this up last Thursday, so the response time is fairly good. I am encouraged by this but still I'm sticking it out with the library, for now.
I don't know really why I updated my resume and submitted them, but I did and it seemed to have worked to boost my spirit. Now to increase happiness where I am now, might be a little tougher but who knows.
Also if you've noticed I've been using the blog to vent/talk...a huge leap for me. I have trouble talking with people about myself, and uhhh these feelings things. I don't know why this is easier, I know who comes here and reads this, but its working. Now all I have to do is learn how to ask for help when I need it, or actually admit I need help sometimes. In the almost seven years of working at the library I've asked for help with something maybe once, everything else I try to do by myself even if I have no idea how to do it, learn on the fly nothing can go wrong right? This is something that I will have to learn how to change because the whole go it alone mentality is not working out too well, physically or mentally. Hell I've done stuff that I shouldn't have even thought of doing alone, but I had to prove to everyone I could do it. Screw that, seriously there is no need for me to prove some bull sh*t bravado crap just to prove someone wrong.
I don't know really why I updated my resume and submitted them, but I did and it seemed to have worked to boost my spirit. Now to increase happiness where I am now, might be a little tougher but who knows.
Also if you've noticed I've been using the blog to vent/talk...a huge leap for me. I have trouble talking with people about myself, and uhhh these feelings things. I don't know why this is easier, I know who comes here and reads this, but its working. Now all I have to do is learn how to ask for help when I need it, or actually admit I need help sometimes. In the almost seven years of working at the library I've asked for help with something maybe once, everything else I try to do by myself even if I have no idea how to do it, learn on the fly nothing can go wrong right? This is something that I will have to learn how to change because the whole go it alone mentality is not working out too well, physically or mentally. Hell I've done stuff that I shouldn't have even thought of doing alone, but I had to prove to everyone I could do it. Screw that, seriously there is no need for me to prove some bull sh*t bravado crap just to prove someone wrong.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Still going
Well I tested myself twice this past week with the whole no drinking thing. At the bar I had an espresso and two cokes, and and a birthday all I had was water. I can do this. I am feeling better as of late, but that could be because I try to keep myself busy and not leave myself much free time. In other news, I don't think I want to do anything for my birthday this year...well not thinking I'm not doing anything for my birthday other than homework. This way I am sure I will not have a drink and keep the promise to myself. I'll see how well this plan works at the Summer Beer fest, so either I'll have a few or you will be getting my extra tickets. (which was almost ruined when I heard there was a Detroit Beer fest)
Reactions I've heard to my decision have been mixed but mostly positive, the best was because I've realized that I've made some bad decisions because of alcohol recently that it's a good thing that I realized what I'm doing and stopping for a while. Others just don't understand and that's ok. That's all.
Reactions I've heard to my decision have been mixed but mostly positive, the best was because I've realized that I've made some bad decisions because of alcohol recently that it's a good thing that I realized what I'm doing and stopping for a while. Others just don't understand and that's ok. That's all.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Yet another update
So, after last week and early this week, I have decided to take a break from drinking. I kinda used it as an escape from reality last week, and it just doesn't work, living for the night kinda sucks. 4 hours of sleep and heading out to the bar after work is not the greatest plan, while only eating once a day and still trying to work out at 1-2 in the morning. So I'm going to take my friend Jide's advice and force myself to eat more, not much at a time, but to at least try to get my metabolism a little more back to normal. This time-out from drinking is something I probably need, I've done it before, but this time I will make an exception for the Summer Beer Fest, and see how long it goes (I don't even want to drink on my birthday).
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Update about me...
...So I have had a horrible week at work, that has me contemplating a career change. I wrote about this on facebook, and I'm still thinking about going back into finance. Don't get me wrong I still like working at the library but seriously, I am getting a little frustrated with all the crap I put up with. I could be putting up with the same crap for more money elsewhere. Seriously I took a $20,000/year pay-cut to become a librarian, and was one of the few people who declined a financial analyst position while I was still in school. Who knows maybe it's just a combination of feeling horrible the past few weeks. In other news to try and change how I feel I ended up taking my barber's advice that he gave me.
I did something and feel horrible about how I acted and how I did it, and yes I have had confirmation that I take the douchebag of the week award for it. I hear it takes time and get over it, well guess what I probably will at one point but who knows when. Believe me hearing at work a few weeks ago "you are beginning to depress me because I've never seen you sad" does not help make me feel better. And to help in self-fulfilling prophecies, after what I did and feeling bad about it, yes I went out a few nights in a row, and alcohol does nothing to make a person feel better. The best part of the week was the 4th of July park excursion at Stoney where I got to forget about all the crap I have been putting up with and just got to hang out for a while with friends. And the weekend is almost over and I will be returning to reality and remembering everything that sucks about life again.
Sigh, here we go again.
I did something and feel horrible about how I acted and how I did it, and yes I have had confirmation that I take the douchebag of the week award for it. I hear it takes time and get over it, well guess what I probably will at one point but who knows when. Believe me hearing at work a few weeks ago "you are beginning to depress me because I've never seen you sad" does not help make me feel better. And to help in self-fulfilling prophecies, after what I did and feeling bad about it, yes I went out a few nights in a row, and alcohol does nothing to make a person feel better. The best part of the week was the 4th of July park excursion at Stoney where I got to forget about all the crap I have been putting up with and just got to hang out for a while with friends. And the weekend is almost over and I will be returning to reality and remembering everything that sucks about life again.
Sigh, here we go again.
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